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photo: CCO public domain

crave-feel a powerful desire for. 

We have all been through times when we have felt cravings for food or other things we don’t think we can live without. But when we sit down and think about what is important, so often those cravings reflect impulses that hit us in the moment.

I want a heath bar blizzard right now. I don’t think I can live without it. But do I want to go to the extra trouble to get it? Sometimes…if I am dressed. But if it is a cold night and I am curled up and comfortable, it may not be worth the trouble.

Cravings are often like that that. They come as fast as they go. I see an ad on TV and I “crave” a certain food. A memory pops into my head and I “crave” something that I can’t have. I just have to let the temporal craving pass. It usually does.       stop

But then there are those long term, deep internal cravings. The ones I am not so conscious of all the time. The craving for love and acceptance at a deep level when I still feel, at age 70, like that gawky teenager who never really fit in.

I crave a close, happy family…and we all live far from each other.

There is that deep internal craving for all to be well with the world, at least the world of my family. I want my adult children to want to be with each other and us. I want us to be able to discuss any topic with ease. That was my dream as a mom from the time we started raising our kids.

However, as those of you who have adult children realize, there are topics we must not discuss at times…sometimes because of our own weakness, sometimes because of theirs. Sometimes it is because of the chemistry of our relationship.

When I was raising my children, I was so naive…or was it simply stupid, regarding all the issues of chemistry that would come, particularly in the adult years. As my brain becomes more addled, I am aware more and more of my weakness.

I am being pressed to crave Jesus over my other cravings

I realize increasingly that if ever I needed to crave Jesus, it is now. My early cravings, many of which were good by themselves, were not important for the long haul. As I lay aside dreams I once had…you know those picture perfect dreams of the family that will be perfect and happy all the time? It is the one where even I wouldn’t belong!

I lay aside picture perfect dreams I once had of a perfect family where even I won't fit! Click To Tweet

Maybe I should say, where especially I wouldn’t belong! I, who arrive after traveling especially exhausted. Who is finding effective communication more and more difficult as time goes by.

Living in the “not yet” as He prepares me for heaven

I am finding my hope for heaven increasing. But I need to function better in the here and now as I give my cravings to Jesus. I confess, I don’t know how to do that well…at least in some new areas.

No one told me old age would be like this. There are so many good-byes. I need to be happier with acceptance, joyful with hope. I am in some places but I have a long way to go.

There is still the struggle of dreams that keep lying on the floor in front of me that I have to deal with. Every time I face up to one, another one shows up. These are not insignificant dreams, these are big ones that I kept hoping for. I’m realizing they are gone. They are not going to happen. I was way too optimistic for way too long.

Maybe the word is that I was way too idolizing for way too long. I craved those things more than I craved Jesus. Just as I need to clean house and get rid of unnecessary stuff that is getting in the way of living, He is clearing out those idols so I can face the future with less debris in the way of the race I need to run.

Can you see why I haven’t gotten much written lately? It is gloomy. I know you don’t want to read it. But I have to think and write it through.

 And all these,
though commended through their faith,
did not receive what was promised,
 since God had provided something better for us, that apart from us they should not be made perfect.
 Therefore, since we are surrounded
by so great a cloud of witnesses,
let us also lay aside every weight,
and sin which clings so closely,
and let us run with endurance
the race that is set before us,
looking to Jesus,
the founder and perfecter of our faith,
who for the joy that was set before him
endured the cross, despising the shame,
and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Hebrews 11:39-12:2

PS. This is not about any specific incidents on the part of any of my kids. It is about me and my cravings and my failures. I don’t want them or anyone to feel I am condemning them for anything here. I am writing about disappointments in general ways not any specific incidents. My friends who have adult children know this is part of life that we adjust to.   Hopefully, I won’t cause anyone pain by writing what I did. It is general about many things I have been struggling with for about 1 1/2 years.