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Background of medium teal with large photo with large hand symbolizing God's reaching down to mankind and smaller hand symbolizing mankind's hand reaching to God with the cross in between that bridged the gap. The lower right photo symbolizes this week's theme when I talk about what I would change about my life if I could have. It is an older woman sitting at a computer writing about her life.

Photos by Canva

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As I have been reminiscing over these many chapters of our life together (55 years). (I was 22 when we married and Ron was 30.) It is difficult to remember life apart from “us.”  There really isn’t much I would change. I would be glad to be rid of some of those years of unemployment or sickness. But I learned so much from them that changed me, that I know they helped me in many ways. I definitely wouldn’t change my husband or children or even grandchildren. Our extended family has been a true blessing. The only thing I would change would be for them to live closer so we could be part of their lives more regularly.

But the following are changes I would make to our ministry life.

I would do hospitality more

Often, our home was a haven for us and Ron specifically. But it wouldn’t have been that difficult do more hospitality. We did a lot of hospitality in JA. We had to. There were a lot of visitors to the campus and the missionary wives had to split up the visitors among ourselves. I soon developed my own style and didn’t worry about whether I was different from others. We each had our own style. It worked out okay. At that time, we had babies all the way up to a first grader. I wasn’t the only one with small children.

But in the US, I often had a job (part-time) and life was crazier. I just should have prioritized hospitality more and had more groups of people over. I usually had a Bible study in our home and had people there for special things, but rarely for meals unless they were potluck. So some groups of people came, but not everyone. I felt very inferior about my cooking and often my home. I know that is not true hospitality, but it was my problem.

I would pray more and differently

Depending on the church, I did pray, but I think prayer would have taken on a different priority for me. I also would have prayed in different ways. I tended to stress and strategize way more than I needed to. Praying would have helped me and the hard situations way more and would have helped me realize God could manage them much better than I could. Of course, there were plenty of things I didn’t know anything about and that was a very good thing.

The longer I was in ministry, the more I listened. The more I listened, the more I learned. It kept me out of a lot of trouble. That doesn’t mean I never erred again, of course.

For anyone who knew me in JA, they are laughing right now. They can’t even picture me listening. But JA is where I began to learn how to listen. I put my foot in my mouth too many times. There were many times when I had a mental agenda going into a situation, but I stopped to listen and ask questions before sharing my “wisdom” and I was so glad I did. Because my mental agenda was made in a vacuum. Once I listened, I learned that the situation was very different from what I thought and if I had not listened first, my words would have been very hurtful even though I meant for them to be an encouragement. Ron taught me a lot about listening.

What did we do right?

We did some things right too. One of them was this:

Everyone knew Ron and I were for each other.

It wasn’t that we were so sensitive that we couldn’t hear a negative word about the other, but they knew we were were crazy for each other and we would back the other one up 100%. Often, our nickname was “the lovebirds.” We weren’t embarrassed by it at all. We were likely to stop and kiss in the hall of the church without a second thought. We’ve heard of unhappy pastoral marriages and have always felt for those people. We wanted to be a positive example of a very happy marriage for people to see.

We were crazy about our kids and wanted them to feel supported in this wild fishbowl life.

Ron was careful not to use them as examples in sermons unless he had their permission. I can’t remember his using them ever, but it may have happened. We also didn’t discuss church problems at home around them. They didn’t need to know about the seamy side of the church. All they needed to know was what the average church member knew. However, they were all rather astute. They often picked up on vibes from people and/or their kids. We corrected wrong gossip they might have heard. We also tried to put a positive spin on events that were happening.

They were under the authority of the session (elders) just like any member was. We didn’t intervene to protect them from any needed correction if they were in a Sunday School class or youth group. If they felt something unfair was going on, we listened to them and tried to help them sort it out. If there was a problem, we helped them deal with the person where there was a problem, but that wasn’t common.

I was almost always involved in a Bible study. It was usually out of one of those groups that my community of friends developed.

One thing I knew about myself was that I won’t be close with everyone in the church. It’s impossible. I’ve been through stages of my life when I felt guilty about this, but it is reality. It is not possible. But I can always be friendly and kind to everyone.

It was usually out of one of the Bible studies I was in that my closer friends came. That was a good thing. These were usually women interested in studying God’s Word. Some were more spiritually mature than others, but they were Godly women just the same. They were rarely the church gossips.

I’m sure there were some exceptions, but this was mostly true. Other people do it differently, but although I wasn’t always intentional about it, this ended up being the way my friendships developed. It was a good source of good friends for me. But I made others too. It was just a great beginning source of friends.

It would be fun to change what I could, but impossible.

But of course, hind sight is always 20-20. In real life, we grow step by step and learn and grow gradually. I just have to trust that God was growing me in the ways I needed to while we were in the churches where we were at the time. I just need to trust that God has used what we were able to do for His glory despite what I now realize might have enhanced it.

Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Psalm 73:23-26 ESV

And the Lord will guide you continually
    and satisfy your desire in scorched places
    and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
    like a spring of water,
    whose waters do not fail.
 And your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt;
    you shall raise up the foundations of many generations;
you shall be called the repairer of the breach,
    the restorer of streets to dwell in.

Isaiah 58:11-12 ESV

And I am sure of this,
that he who began a good work in you
will bring it to completion
at the day of Jesus Christ.

Philippians 1:6 ESV