I’ve been thinking about change a lot lately. I’ve even tried to write about it, but my blogs get horrendously long and rambly…and impossible to edit!
Tonite we’ll be having a good-bye party for a young family in our church who are moving away. Once their house sells, the parents of the wife will be moving too (something I don’t even want to think about right now). Over nearly 65 years, I’ve made MANY changes. Some involved moves, some didn’t. Some of the most difficult ones involved attitude changes. Many of them were good-byes, temporary and permanent. Change comes in all shapes and sizes…and degrees of intensity!
When I was a young adult, I loved change…as long as our young family was together. I easily noticed how many things around me needed to change!
“Why won’t they change?” “If they would stop/start ____, then everything would be fine!”
Then I learned something that profoundly affected me and my relationships with people. It was this: You can’t change other people. You can only change yourself! To say that I was resistant to that concept is an understatement. When my husband first told me that one, I tried to argue it for awhile. It never rattled him. (When he is on the side of truth, he really doesn’t care whether people agree with him or not. He knows that Truth will win out.) Gradually I realized how true that statement was and it was very liberating!
MANIPULATION IS EXHAUSTING!
Although I wasn’t the smoothest manipulator I know, I wasn’t bad at it. That was all I had known. When I knew something needed to be done, that was the most common way I used to get it done. It was exhausting and stressful! Learning to be direct with people, to ask for what I actually wanted? That took a long time to learn!
ONE PERSON’S CHANGE CAN ALTER A RELATIONSHIP
Have you ever noticed that once you change the way you respond in certain relationships, that the relationship takes a new turn? The other person didn’t change at all, you did. I especially remember this in relation to some issues with my mother. I felt there were times when she didn’t treat me like I was an adult…or at least a competent one! When I applied this concept to our relationship (with some help from my husband) I realized that I often responded to some of the things she said or did as I did when I was a child.
Either I would respond as someone who wanted her approval (and would wimp out on giving a straight answer/opinion) or I would react quickly with anger to something I didn’t like because of hidden grudges from past events that had never been cleared away.
Once I started relating to her as an adult who wasn’t trying to earn her love (an impossibility!) or reacting to her because of hidden grudges from the past, I was surprised how her responses to me changed. Of course, I had to REPENT of the sin in my heart toward her and behave toward her in a way that didn’t allow for the grudges to build up. (Being lovingly honest.) Learning to relate toward her honestly and openly (meaning being honest in my responses but not having to tell ALL the “truth”–being wise in my speech without stuffing all my feelings) was difficult but it became the path toward some great conversations as she became older and weaker. It gave me opportunities to encourage her in ways I never would have if we had continued the old “relationship”.
CHANGE/GROWTH IS NOT A PAINLESS PROCESS
Did this path go smoothly? I can guarantee that it didn’t. Growth is rarely painless. I’m just not that good with relationships. I wish I were, but I’m more human and frail at these things than most. I need the grace of God. Often that is what God uses to push me toward Him because I need Him desperately. It is very easy for me to go my own independent way. Relationship difficulties that come along force me to Christ! That is a good thing.
This is a big topic. We will talk more about other aspects of change another day. I will leave you with two reminders from scripture that have always encouraged me. Please share with us any that have helped you.
Here are some very helpful resources I’ve found as well: Peacemaker Ministries , Tara Barthel Blog , and Peacemaking Women .
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.
(Hebrews 13:8)
The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
(Psalm 18:2)
Oh Martha, how alike you and I are. I never knew. One of my favorite examples of this is from Paul Miller’s A Praying Life. He writes about a woman who was complaining about her husband not taking out the trash and how could he be so inconsiderate, etc. Paul’s response acknowledged the possibility that the husband was being lazy, but also said something along the lines of “Well, maybe God’s plan is for you to take out the trash for the rest of your life. You just need to concentrate on that and let God work on your husband.”
Each time I feel a little resentful about whatever is going on and I give in to that “well if he or she or they would just _____ then life would be good” I have to stop and say, well, maybe God’s plan for me is to take out the trash. Let me just do a good job with that. LOL.
Nice post, Martha!
thanks bridgette:) sad that we don’t meet more at church. me must move in different spheres:) love the illustration. it is a great one…from a great book!
Thank God HE is the one who works to change people, not us!
so true:)
First I love the picture in my head of your husband being firm in his words of truth and you trying to get him to bend… I think I find it humorous, because I can see myself in both roles, so often! 🙂
I have, also, greatly appreciated learning that truth! I often remind my oldest, and myself, to “control what you can contol” (our action and response). Such a freeing truth, isn’t it?! 🙂
the thing about ron is that he is unbelievably tactful! often, people don’t realize how firm he is b/c of his tact:) he is also pretty flexible so when i hit an area where he won’t bend, it gets my attention:) it is very humorous!
I told someone today that the other person in the relationship or the circumstances around us will never change until we do. And what we will find is that the other person or circumstances didn’t really change, what changed was our perspective and view of that person and circumstances. As we change, our view of God and others changes too and that brings about some of the most remarkable changes in others! And the reality is, they never really changed at all!
You said it much better than I. Thanks for sharing your insights. I appreciate how God has grown and is growing you sister in Christ!
i guess i learned something from those years of your teaching and reinforcing:) thanks for the compliment!
Great jobnof showing us God is in charge of our hearts. Our work is to know him, for to know him is to love him. Somehow change takes place in my heart as I seek to know him more. The work is relating to him, making time for him, listening to him through his word, the preaching of the gospel, prayer and other Christians like you. Its the same for those i wish to change so, instead of workig hard to fix them i must hit my knees and rely upon the one who hears. This is real freedom. Thanks for sticking out the wait in writing this post.
glad that message came through. that is encouraging:)