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The first time death affected me deeply was in my childhood. It was in the 1950’s. We became close friends with a family who were missionaries in Japan when they returned from their first furlough. They discovered that the mom, Katheryn, had colon cancer and had to return early for surgery and treatment. They had 3 kids about the same ages as our family of 3 kids and we clicked. We wandered in and out of each others’ lives over the years despite living in different parts of the world and attending different boarding schools in high school.

After their year was up, they returned to Korea.

When they returned overseas, they went to Korea. Shortly before they were to return to the US for their regular furlough, they discovered that Katheryn’s cancer had returned and it was now in her lungs. In those days, that was an almost certain death sentence. I remember hearing the news just before I had to hang the laundry on the clothesline. (It must have been my chore for the day.) I sobbed as I hung the clothes. As glad as I was that they were returning to the US, I was so sad she was going to die. I sobbed and sobbed. By this time, I was almost ready to start 9th grade.

Prayer vigils began at church for her healing.

Our church organized numerous prayer vigils for her to be healed. We attended some of them. I always felt that if I just had more faith, maybe  God would change His mind and she would be healed. Some people were convinced that she was going to live. I was hoping against hope that she would make it, but I was afraid she was going to die. Her husband seemed convinced she was going to survive. He went on about his business of visiting churches to raise support for their family to return to Korea.

She held down the fort at home with help from friends until in early Fall when she became bedridden and was unconscious much of the time. Her husband came home and cancelled his trips. Prayer vigils continued. As much as I hoped for a good outcome, I was afraid the outcome was going to be bad and I was very upset. It was all I could think and pray about. On Halloween night 1959, she passed away.

We weren’t allowed to go to the viewing. Now, I wish I had gone. It might have been helpful to be there. My mom didn’t like viewings and didn’t want us there. Yes, my parents went. Fortunately, we were allowed to go to the funeral. I found it helpful, but of course, I sobbed all the way through. In the weeks and months following, their family adjusted to their horrible loss. There were not a lot of people around to help children, or adults for that matter, with grief. I found out later that they had almost no help in that area. They never returned to Korea.

Our family moved away from the area shortly after Christmas of that year…to Costa Rica…as planned.

Meanwhile, our family was moving to Costa Rica to be missionaries and we did, shortly after Christmas 1959. There was a lot going on in our church where my dad was the Christian School principal, but we were moving away. My parents knew a lot more about what was happening than they shared with us even though we were old enough to be told much of it. My mom didn’t want us exposed to the mix of gossip/facts/ and information that was flying around. But we were told nothing. It was only years later that we gradually learned about what happened at the church. Over time, we picked up bits of information about what happened. Much of it had been brewing while Katheryn had been ill.

There was a big church split a few months after Katheryn died.

It is very interesting that our church had a huge split very soon after Katheryn’s death. Of course, this was not the stated reason. There were other factors involved including a morals charge against the pastor.

Our Church split tangent: some questions to think about…

Over the years, we have worked with a number of churches that had splits in their background and when you talk to the remaining people in the church about the split, you never hear doctrinal reasons mentioned as reasons for the split. They may mention that those were the stated reasons, but then they will go on to tell the real reasons for the split. This has happened too many times for me to think it is coincidental. I also know the human heart. It is naturally deceitful. If we want to sow discord, we will find a lofty reason to do it. We will never be brutally honest about our motives, not even to ourselves.  So let me just let you know this for a free lesson. If you ever find yourself in the middle of a church split and you hear yourself giving lofty, spiritual reasons for why it is needed (and on rare occasions that is the case) but you find yourself behaving in an ungodly way in the middle of it all. Take some time to check your motives. What is going on here?

• Is there a power struggle or power play going on?
• Is there a personality clash or disagreement over a major issue that you need to work out with a person/group before discussing a split?
• Is there grief over loss of a pastor or prominent church member or member of the church that everyone is ignoring that this split is a response to? It doesn’t have to be a death, for example, there are often church splits with the pastors that follow a long-time pastor because churches don’t do the work they need to, to prepare for a new pastor. If they loved the former pastor, they make sacred, the way he did everything and don’t allow a new pastor to be different. If they didn’t like their former pastor, they ignore the good aspects of their former pastor and get a new pastor who has none of those positive abilities and suffer for it. Either way, they are set up for a split.
• Is your need to pass on unverified information that is negative, about a pastor or some group in the church, part of what will fuel the fire of the split? If so, then it is wrong. It is fueling division and it is gossip. If you have done this in the past, you need to apologize to those you wronged.
• If, as can be the case in many church issues, there is a morals charge. It should be dealt with by the elders or denominational body outside your local church. It should not cause a split. That is what they are there for. They look at the evidence and decide if the case against the pastor is true or not. If it is true, he is taken out of the pulpit (or should be). This is not cause for a split. The quality of a pastor’s preaching does not override a true moral’s charge. God has used men who stutter. He isn’t at the mercy of great preachers! He wants moral leaders. No, they don’t have to be perfect, but they need to be moral and honest, not sneaky and immoral. If they are, they don’t represent God well. As they say in our church, our leaders need to be the chief repenters in the church.
• Are you involved in letter campaigns or other such divisive activities? These are especially a problem the more personal they are. They fall under the category above titled unverified information. I’m not talking about actual true information that is sent out to the whole congregation with a list of the facts of the case.

But I can’t help but think that many people had difficulty dealing with the fact that God didn’t heal Katheryn and they needed a way to get away from this disappointment. I doubt that they would have even stated that fact for a reason that they left the church. Some left to help a baby church that had already started in another part of town called Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church. Some of them started a new church not far away and it ministered in the area for 40 or 50 years.

A few years ago, we had a long conversation with one of Katheryn’s daughters. It was over 50 years since her mother died but over the years she had so many things to work through with very little help. God was good and gracious to her and her sister. But it wasn’t easy at all. It was sad hearing what a difficult road they walked. It was also sad to hear how few people had been able to help them with their grief.

Grief is hard. It is different for everyone. We find comfort in different things.

Then I stopped to think about my experiences with death and grief. God provided people to help me along the way, but there weren’t many who were able to help in the church. Those who were able to help were rare. Those who didn’t help were much more common. Often, people who love you and the person who died, live in denial. It is difficult to face the pain of grief. Christians are so happy about heaven that they forget that death separates us from the loved one for now, and that is very painful. It is a huge loss. While it is true we will often see them again in heaven, that doesn’t take care of the present milestones, hugs, and conversations. We miss with them now.

Those are things we have to be honest about–both as those who are comforting and those who are being comforted. Tears are very appropriate.Trying not to cry does no one any good. It’s like having a gaping wound and pretending it doesn’t hurt. Yes, it hurts. If it is the loss of an evil parent, it may not be the loss of their presence, but rather the loss of any chance to have a good relationship with them. That is still a huge loss. It is still something to be grieved.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8-9 ESV

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want,

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
    I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
    your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

Psalm 23:1,4 ESV