Photo by Canva
2025 has been crazy around here. I was sick in January. I have been working on more complicated taxes than normal (with a tax person) and now all of that is behind me. Ron is going downhill. He has one more swallowing test to go for a full diagnosis for the speech therapist. We have learned that his swallowing is not good. For now, he isn’t supposed to swallow anything bigger than 1.5 cm x 1.5 cm. (about the size of a dime) and it is to be very soft and mashable.
I just arrived home from the grocery store trying to find some new choices for him to eat/swallow between meals. But I found myself mostly discouraged by the choices, knowing his likes and dislikes, as well as the combinations he likes. It will be a challenge. Yes, he likes the fruit smoothies I make. But like all of us, he enjoys variety in the textures of his food. This diet does not provide for that. But really, that is not the point of my post.
Death is too close. I need Resurrection
As I was out shopping, I found myself feeling death was too close. It was good Friday and I felt stuck in the death part of Holy Week.I was feeling the need for Resurrection, but it seemed like a pipe dream. Despite the fact that he can get around pretty well, Ron isn’t able to make any 5 year plans right now. I suspect a one year plan would be optimistic. But only God knows his future. We have both been processing our bad news this week. It is wearing us out physically and emotionally. I find myself clinging to Ron at odd times. As we pass in the closet or in other rooms, I grab him and give him a long hug.
There was a time when my verbal processing included him and he was able to help me think through things I needed to process. But those days passed a few years ago when his dementia took over more. Yes, we can still have conversations about memories. We can even discuss how we are feeling. But we can’t process problems we are dealing with in the ways we once did. I can’t tell you how much I miss that. He tended to process everything first, then discuss it later–when he was healthy. Some of our children are that way too. These days, it is hard to tell what is going on in his head.
Do I look forward to Resurrection? Yes.
But not in the same way I once did.
Do I look forward to Resurrection? Yes. But not in the same way I once did. I used to pass over Good Friday like it was a bad dream and focus my attention on Easter Sunday, the day of Resurrection! Today, Easter seems like a pipe dream. I’m sure it must have felt that way to the disciples too–even more so! They had watched Jesus die. They were traumatized I’m sure! Only a week earlier, crowds were following Him in the streets and shouting, “Hosanna!” I’m only anticipating what might happen for Ron in the not distant future. I can’t imagine Resurrection on this side of heaven, being part of that story.
It once was like I skipped over the awfulness of Jesus’ death–and it truly was gruesome. But I hated to spend too much time on it. I like happy endings to stories. Depending on the year, I spent time on the awfulness of Jesus’ death, but not too much. Then I moved on to the Resurrection. It’s the happy ending. The more we experience death in this life, the happier that ending is. The ramifications of the resurrection are even greater. Because Jesus rose from the dead, I know He was victorious over sin and death! That is what is so great about the story.
Jesus paid the debt I owed for sin (an unpayable debt is paid).
Jesus served the penalty for sin (judicially, the debt was dealt with).
Jesus won the battle over sin (militarily, the battle was won).
Each one of these is a way “Tetelestai” was used in everyday life. Jesus said, “It is finished.” on the cross.
He finished the transaction to pay for sin in all three ways.
Last night, I saw a video by Tim Keller. I found it helpful and hopeful as I face the future. Before his death from cancer, he faced the future with hope in the truth of the Gospel and Resurrection.
On one level, we do too. But on another level, there is a lot of loss involved as well. Until physical death actually happens, Ron won’t know the full joy of the resurrection as he stands before God dressed in the righteousness of Christ. He won’t know the full joy of being complete and whole as he will be in heaven with Jesus. I won’t know the full comfort God gives during times of death that is beyond explanation.
During a lifetime of walking with God and especially during the last 12 years of Ron’s illness, God has been teaching me more about Himself.
But the process that has been happening during Ron’s long illness reminds me of what Tim Kellar talked about on that video as I realized often that the God I was trusting in for my salvation, was often in parts, not always quite the God of the Bible. Was I a Christian? Yes. But how often is my view of God not in line with the truth of who He really is. Nearly always. It is only as I get to know Him little by little each day from His Word, over the years, that I learn who He is–truly.
My life experiences have warped my views of what a father is like, for example. I had a good father. But he was human. He wasn’t able to meet every need, dry every tear. Then, God teaches me slowly as I go through hard times and good times. He sends hugs and blessings when I expect condemnation. He sends comfort when I expect disgust. He loves, encourages, reminds, corrects, helps me change, even when it is hard. He gives grace and courage, humility and the ability to forgive.
I have no idea what this year will bring. I have no doubt that it will not be an easy year. Yet, I’m sure it will be full of blessings as well. It will also be full of more growth. I still need it. The more I grow, the more I realize how much I need to grow.
Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord!
O Lord, hear my voice!
Let your ears be attentive
to the voice of my pleas for mercy!If you, O Lord, should mark iniquities,
O Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness,
that you may be feared.I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
and in his word I hope;
my soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen for the morning,
more than watchmen for the morning.O Israel, hope in the Lord!
For with the Lord there is steadfast love,
and with him is plentiful redemption.
And he will redeem Israel
from all his iniquities.Psalm 130:1-8 ESV
But in fact Christ has been raised from the dead,
the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep.
For as by a man came death, by a man has come also the resurrection of the dead.
For as in Adam all die, so also in Christ shall all be made alive.I Corinthians 15:20-22 ESV
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