graphic: Martha G. Brady
I grew up during a time when I was taught to believe that I should always be agreeable.
That “yes” was generally the correct answer,
Particularly when I was being asked to volunteer.
In a sense, I felt that requests to volunteer were often not really requests
But rather rhetorical questions.
They were simply assuming I would answer “yes.”
At some point after I had children, I came to realize that the resentment I felt
Toward those who asked me to volunteer for a certain job
Was not their fault.
For the most part, they truly were asking if I wanted to volunteer.
I was the one who felt the pressure to say “yes.”
I learned that part of what it meant to be made in GOD’s image
Was that I had a volitional aspect to my personhood;
The awareness that I had choice about the many aspects of my life and how I lived it. stop
Once I started living my life in light of the fact that I did have a choice
About my involvements, and my reactions to what happened to me,
I found joy in places I didn’t anticipate!
I chose the areas where I planned to get involved,
Realizing that I couldn’t do everything.
But GOD had gifted me in certain areas where I could make contributions.
I didn’t need to be involved in activities simply to make others happy or impress them.
I only needed to please GOD and do the things that
My husband and I worked out for the good of our family.
With this new awareness, life became more joyful for me.
I could say “yes” happily and after thought.
My “no’s” were also not impulsive…or personal.
They were just not the places I was called to serve…at least not for that particular season.
The way I started learning to do this was to say, “Let me think about it and I’ll get back to you.”
It bought me time to seriously consider the proposal, pray about it and not respond impulsively.
Then I could give an answer.
How have you learned to respond to requests for your time and abilities?
You know, Martha, you are right that we can sometimes say yes too much. It helps me to say, “let me think about…pray about…and check my calendar.” Then when I’ve done that I can give a thoughtful answer and one that I really mean and feel good about. Sometimes that’s a no and sometimes it’s a yes. But if I do that well, it will be the right answer, either way!
Absolutely holly! often, the problem for some can be that they are concerned to keep people happy or have difficulty saying “no.” learning to find a way to give themselves an routine way to think about the question so we can decide on the best answer…yes or no, will give us time to think and discuss with others in the family who help us with these kinds of decisions…so we don’t get over involved. it also gives us a way to consider if this is GOD’s way of stretching us in new ways to develop new gifts.
you are so right holly.
Martha, I love your new blog header! I hadn’t seen it. I’ve been away for a while during our move.
I love your take on the Five Minute Friday prompt: yes AND NO! I need to get better at that. Have you read “The Best Yes” ? I haven’t yet, but I want to.
no, i haven’t read it betsy,but it sounds a lot like something i read years ago. i can’t seem to keep up on my reading these days. the header is what i worked on today so it isn’t something that has been here a long time:) I’m doing some work on the blog inside and out to get ready for the 31 day series. are you back for awhile or is this just a normal disruptive furlough? 🙂
One of my favorite quotes… “saying ‘no’ to something is really just saying ‘yes’ to something better”.
thanks tondra:) so glad you found it helpful.
Especially as a Pastor’s wife Martha! To saying yes, and to remembering we need to please God. Everyone assumes your answer will be yes…I love your response. It’s so easy but something that most of us need to be reminded to say.
glad you stopped by christy:) yes, there is no group that needs to learn to say these words more…and if they are hesitant, their husbands need to help back them up before their sessions or elders or deacons or whatever their church board is called. ron recommended this to me. sounds so simple but i would never have thought of it on my own. sad isn’t it?
What a great post! I am also a recovering people pleaser who has been overcommitted with ministry involvement in the past. Gal. 1:10 is my prayer and a guiding principle – “For am I now trying to please man or God? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Ouch. It gets me every time when I’m tempted to say “yes” to please someone else instead of out of calling to serve Christ. Thanks for sharing. Found you through FMF.
nice to meet you heather:) people pleasing is a painful sin pattern to recover from isn’t it? it seems like such a christian way to live! but the resentment that results from it is anything but christian and we have no one to blame for our overcommitment problems but ourselves…and we are the last people we want to blame!
What a perfect response when someone asks you to volunteer! I’ll be storing that one in my mental bank for future use. I have a hard time saying no because I’m a people pleaser–but I shouldn’t do things to please people, I should do them to please God.
welcome to the people pleasing club anita:( pleasing people at the expense of misery for yourself and your family = one big mess! so i had to learn a way to stop. that helped me a lot…because my husband doesn’t have difficulty saying no at all! he seems to have a much better idea of what i can manage than i do:) it was a wonderful safety net.
Martha, I so appreciate this post. I think this is the mentality many of us were taught so we have to learn that it is ok to say no. Parked in the #15 spot today.
it took me awhile to learn it tara. but then i remembered i was responsible to GOD for myself, my family and how i cared for and treated them. over involvement outside the home often meant treating my family in bad ways and not loving them well. all of a sudden, clarity came!
Thanks for this post, Martha!
I feel especially as Christians we are often torn to say no. And yet it is one of the most powerful things we can say to protect us sometimes. I had to learn that over the past year, it was hard, but also empowering.
Happy Friday to you!
you are so right katha:) and we are responsible for how we steward the resources GOD gives us…time and energy are just 2 of them. we can’t use them up volunteering for every cause others want us to be involved with. we need to be wise. if we don’t learn it before, we definitely discover our limitations once we have children! we can only be stretched so far. then we pop! 🙂