photo: Fotolia_50563855
As a child, sharing was something I hated.
My sister was born on my first birthday.
So even my birthday was shared.
We always shared a room.
We tended to disagree over most preferences
So someone usually had to compromise.
It seemed that sharing tended to be one-way from my perspective.
I don’t think it was true.
That’s just how it felt.
Older children are supposed to be understanding of younger ones
And give in…share.
As a mom, I shared.
There came a point when the sharing became overwhelming.
I never thought of myself as particularly self-less
But the moving and giving and working and taking care of…
Well, it got to me and I found myself in chronic pain. stop
I wouldn’t have considered myself to be depressed,
But too many years of sharing from childhood
And not enough years of filling and being enriched,
Caught up with me.
Counseling helped immensely.
I stopped making excuses for the people who had been draining me.
I stopped making excuses for not speaking up for myself when I had the chances.
I stopped avoiding conflict for fake peace.
I stopped trying to make everybody happy except for me.
I’ve done much better since then.
I am having to tweak my life now after yet another move.
But I’m gradually making adjustments to a new community & lifestyle.
Learning to share life now means helping others as well as allowing them to help me.
It’s much easier to do the former.
Expressing my neediness to others is difficult…really difficult.
I have spent too many years trying to appear competent.
Trying not to be a burden or a drain on others.
It isn’t easy to ask for help.
But that is what I need to do to build bridges to the people around me.
May GOD help me to be honest, genuine and truthful
As well as not whiny or manipulative.
As I learn to express my neediness
To both the people nearby and the Lord!
This statement:
I stopped avoiding conflict for fake peace.
YES! THIS is a truth many people must grasp. Took me decades to realize this is what I *do*. The fake peace is so useless…no power in it at all. The real Peace…that means something. HE means something. Conflict is a needful thing for both parties, but more so for *me* {meaning individually}. It helps a person see that compromise can happen, but that everyone will not always agree, AND that there are some people that are so toxic in your life, they need to be cut out :). Your voice matters…MY voice matters.
I still do not “like” conflict, but sometimes it is just gonna happen…be there. And THAT is okay :).
GREAT post. Quite candid…rarely easy!
thanks donna:) the fake peace is difficult to change…especially when we feel we are causing conflict everywhere we turn! the reality is that we aren’t causing new conflict with a different approach, but are dealing with the real issue at hand. until we adjust telling the truth and being honest, we will have problems with fake peace…something that isn’t very peaceful at all!
Hoo-boy. Your post, your offering, is nothing less than perfect. You showed me yourself, and demonstrated gently that my stubborn pride in my ability to handle it all and never need anything is my own weakness masquerading as “strength”. And like a good storyteller, you ended by giving me hope that I can make something better for myself…
That is the one thing I struggle with…expressing need, asking for help. Foolish, as I am one of those people who need to be needed. In some weird Nightingale complex, I am never happier than when I’m helping someone, and yet I seem incapable of offering that comfort to others. I don’t NEED any help, I think. Not to carry the groceries, and not to shoulder my burdens. I don’t want to impose, don’t want to bother, especially don’t want help if it means help reluctantly given…and since I always assume it is reluctant, I often resent when it’s offered. A fallen Caryatid, determined to bear it alone. Perhaps I am too proud and too frightened – the world is merciless to women who need help.
But I do need…something. Peace. Security. To be accepted. A comforting presence who doesn’t need anything from me. A place to put down this heavy, heavy stone. Today, I just needed a hug. Thank you so much for stopping by and giving me one. I am more grateful than you could possibly know. Blessings to you, dear lady.
thank you dear laurelei. now you know why i write about GOD’s grace so much…the gritty kind. given to those of us who need it but are so slow to receive by Someone who expected nothing in return except the gift of receiving His forgiveness and love. blessings dear one as you join me in learning how to receive love and grace from those who freely give it…as freely as they can in our broken world.
So much of what you’ve said rings true for me, as well. I gave of myself without refilling until I had nothing left to give. Finally someone gave me permission to take time to refresh myself. I’m not saying this to sound selfish, but God commands us to take a break and re-create ourselves. Even Jesus did it!
Thanks for sharing this. I appreciate your transparency!
thanks for your comment melissa. yes, that comment is often contrued as selfish. not doubt, selfish is in the mix, but it is unhealthy and unbiblical to continue giving out without taking time to replenish on all kinds of levels. learning to accept my brokenness includes realizing that everything i do is going to be a mix. i won’t be the perfect anything. i will be broken even on my good days. GOD’s grace is going to redeem even my broken motives and broken actions. it is very encouraging actually. He will also help me to ask others for help when it goes against the grain so terribly…and in the process, He’ll humble me a little here and there.